Posts with the label humor
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28, 2013
10 Tips to a Successful New Year's Eve Purge
Can't wait for the new year? Got your heels dug into the pavement trying to avoid the New Year? I'm in the latter category thinking about all the expectations and potential disappointment that I'll suffer at the hands of my own insufficiency. 2014 I'm trying things a bit differently.
I had the idea of a New Year's Eve Purge in the think tank (my shower) the other morning. I've gotten so excited about it I had to share it. A New Year's Eve Purge is the next best thing to sprinkling a supplement on your food to lose weight. The Purge is designed to reduce the stress you're building up trying to resolve to reduce your stress for the new year (say that 3 times fast)! I think it will work. So, please, give 10 Tips to a Successful New Year's Eve Purge a try!
1. Purge resolutions. Don't even think about a resolution! A resolution, broken down, is a "re"-solution meaning...you guessed it, you never get it resolved! Purge all your resolution thoughts before you have them and opt instead to set goals. Goals are measurable and attainable. You can meet 50% of a goal but you can't half-resolve anything. Things are either resolved or they're not!
2. Purge BILLS! Need I say more? Purge or pay as many as you can before the end of the year especially if they are health care charges, property taxes or anything that is a 2013 tax deduction. A couple of options to purge bills might be burning your mailbox, training your dog to keep the mailman away from your mailbox or the Joel Osteen method.
3. Purge a Dream. Book your dream trip now before the end of 2013. I know this works because I did it in 2011. Crazy yet effective. I booked a dream trip to London & Paris with a minimum deposit of $300, saved money for the next 18 months and took my dream trip in July 2013 debt-free and with spending cash! Go Ahead Tours offers perks for group coordinators. Become a group coordinator and travel free. Be sure to tell them Tammy Stafford sent ya!
4. Purge your mouth. Say mean things! RIGHT NOW! Your niceness is exhausted from all the family holiday dinners, your grumpy significant other, the cooking, planning and decorating you've done and you deserve it now more than ever! Tell everyone you see you've got a virus so you can VOMIT, SPEW and SPIT chunks of mean, vile, rude, crude, ugliness everywhere. GET IT ALL OUT! Feel better? Ready to be nice for the new year? I thought so....
5. Purge your DVR. Sit down and watch all those old recordings you've avoided all year. Oh...don't have enough hours in this year to watch all of them? Use the D.E.L.E.T.E. button. Don't laugh, your remote does have one.
6. Purge your closet. It's embarrassing but it MUST be addressed. Forget the "turning your hangers backward" trick. You know what you wear and what you don't. The answer to your question is "NO!" Your question is "I might wear that?" Not gonna happen. Donate it. Just so you know, this is not my closet!
7. Purge your contacts list. We've all got them...people on our contacts list that we have no idea who they are, never heard of them much less contacted them. Don't be afraid to send your unknown contacts to the tomb of no retrieval. If you suddenly remember the contact you deleted is your friend's aunt's boyfriend's cousin who is personal friends with your cardiologist, don't worry 911 is a free call.
8. Purge your pill drawer. Here's to a great attitude and better health in 2014. Trust your body! Throw away those bottles that expired in 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996...you get the picture. I'm not sure of the proper way to dispose of pills. Don't flush them! You never know when all a sewer monster needs is an aspirin.
9. Purge your linen closet. Are your washcloths and towels wholly and I don't mean like Sweet Baby Jesus. We've had some of our linens since we got married in 1985 and they are threadbare and wholly! Some of them look more like bibs than something to wash your ribs!
10. Purge your refrigerator. I've saved the best for last not because we could legit eat everything in the fridge, no! Because it always reminds me of one of the 10 sexiest food scenes in a movie. I can't think of a better way to empty the fridge than by having my "Mickey Rourke" spoon feed me or drizzle me with honey. Can you?
Leave me a comment with your favorite New Year's Eve purge or if you must....your resolution for 2014!
Excited to get started,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
I had the idea of a New Year's Eve Purge in the think tank (my shower) the other morning. I've gotten so excited about it I had to share it. A New Year's Eve Purge is the next best thing to sprinkling a supplement on your food to lose weight. The Purge is designed to reduce the stress you're building up trying to resolve to reduce your stress for the new year (say that 3 times fast)! I think it will work. So, please, give 10 Tips to a Successful New Year's Eve Purge a try!
1. Purge resolutions. Don't even think about a resolution! A resolution, broken down, is a "re"-solution meaning...you guessed it, you never get it resolved! Purge all your resolution thoughts before you have them and opt instead to set goals. Goals are measurable and attainable. You can meet 50% of a goal but you can't half-resolve anything. Things are either resolved or they're not!
2. Purge BILLS! Need I say more? Purge or pay as many as you can before the end of the year especially if they are health care charges, property taxes or anything that is a 2013 tax deduction. A couple of options to purge bills might be burning your mailbox, training your dog to keep the mailman away from your mailbox or the Joel Osteen method.
3. Purge a Dream. Book your dream trip now before the end of 2013. I know this works because I did it in 2011. Crazy yet effective. I booked a dream trip to London & Paris with a minimum deposit of $300, saved money for the next 18 months and took my dream trip in July 2013 debt-free and with spending cash! Go Ahead Tours offers perks for group coordinators. Become a group coordinator and travel free. Be sure to tell them Tammy Stafford sent ya!
5. Purge your DVR. Sit down and watch all those old recordings you've avoided all year. Oh...don't have enough hours in this year to watch all of them? Use the D.E.L.E.T.E. button. Don't laugh, your remote does have one.
6. Purge your closet. It's embarrassing but it MUST be addressed. Forget the "turning your hangers backward" trick. You know what you wear and what you don't. The answer to your question is "NO!" Your question is "I might wear that?" Not gonna happen. Donate it. Just so you know, this is not my closet!
7. Purge your contacts list. We've all got them...people on our contacts list that we have no idea who they are, never heard of them much less contacted them. Don't be afraid to send your unknown contacts to the tomb of no retrieval. If you suddenly remember the contact you deleted is your friend's aunt's boyfriend's cousin who is personal friends with your cardiologist, don't worry 911 is a free call.
8. Purge your pill drawer. Here's to a great attitude and better health in 2014. Trust your body! Throw away those bottles that expired in 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996...you get the picture. I'm not sure of the proper way to dispose of pills. Don't flush them! You never know when all a sewer monster needs is an aspirin.
9. Purge your linen closet. Are your washcloths and towels wholly and I don't mean like Sweet Baby Jesus. We've had some of our linens since we got married in 1985 and they are threadbare and wholly! Some of them look more like bibs than something to wash your ribs!
10. Purge your refrigerator. I've saved the best for last not because we could legit eat everything in the fridge, no! Because it always reminds me of one of the 10 sexiest food scenes in a movie. I can't think of a better way to empty the fridge than by having my "Mickey Rourke" spoon feed me or drizzle me with honey. Can you?
Leave me a comment with your favorite New Year's Eve purge or if you must....your resolution for 2014!
Excited to get started,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Why Roadtrips are Better with your Husband Vol. 2
Earlier this year in April when I blogged Why Roadtrips are Better with your Husband, I had no idea we'd have so much fun in December that I'd have to blog "Why Roadtrips are Better with your Husband Vol. 2!" But here we are and here's why this trip was so funny!
.JPG "pooch")
We headed to Cape San Blas, Florida to look at buying a lot of land. The trip would be short, down there, spend the night, look at the lot and back home. I usually drive. Today, Steve decides he will drive. Our first destination is Enterprise, AL (30 minutes out of the way) because we have our noble pooch Hermie with us. Hampton Inn Enterprise is the only pet-friendly hotel inconveniently located anywhere on the entire route.
Hermie travels better than most adults. He rode to Florida and back without barking one time. Most people can't even go to the mailbox and back without at least passing loud gas, right?Amazing Canine!
Want to see what Hermie is so intrigued about in this pic? I typically pack a bit of snacks when we travel. Snacks avoids stopping to eat excessively and keeps me awake. I love Golden Flake Thin & Crispy potato chips which I packed for me. I brought along some gluten free pretzels for Steve.
I was the first to enjoy some of my potato chips from a brand new bag. Sometime later Steve reaches for some pretzels. He (still driving) is feeling around behind his seat and mine looking for the pretzels. I said "Let me find them for you." He said "No, I got them!" Pulling a bag from behind his seat, the next thing I saw was a cascade of potato chips as my entire bag of precious Golden Flake Thin & Crispy Chips were underneath Steve's feet! He picked up the open bag upside down.
Steve apologized profusely and then said "I guess you won't be eating your favorite midnight snack tonight" while Hermie nobly sought to lick up the mess. No, we didn't let him. Dogs shouldn't eat chips. I emptied the chips onto the grass of the hotel the next morning feeling a couple of ounces lighter.
We were settled for the night and it's finally time to eat some drive thru dinner. We had pulled through Arby's and I was surprised when Steve agreed to three Roast Beef Jr. sandwiches. I was the first to complain because my Ham-n-Cheese Jr. that I requested swiss cheese on instead of cheddar looked like this...
For a woman who don't like cheese, this was disgusting! Steve took his sandwiches out of the bag, unwrapped them looking ticked off and said "What is this?" "3 Roast Beef Jrs." I said. He replied "You know I don't eat junior nothings! I could eat all this gluten and it wouldn't bother me!" No, he really couldn't but I certainly didn't say that. He removed the tiny slabs of roast beef from the buns, sopped up some of my cheese with them and ate while continuously shaking his head in disbelief. "Those large ladies at Arby's are probably still laughing at me saying "Look what's he's eating!".
I couldn't stop laughing when he accidentally spit out a chunk of roast beef while talking, grabbed it up from the hotel table and ate it! This was so unlike my husband. He said "I can't afford to blow out a junior chunk and not eat it!"
I fed Hermie from a bowl I brought and used my mom skills to find a water bowl.
Steve may have been unhappy with my food selections for him but Hermie was my friend.
Uneventful night and next morning, we looked for a Hardee's to get a biscuit. We both ordered sausage of some sort and was cracked up to see this at the front of the building.
A load of hogs! Boy, did that sausage taste fresh! We looked at the lot. I loved it! Steve said it was too low and was afraid of water restrictions. I suppose he was right. After all, it was in a flood zone but it was RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD FROM THE BEACH!!! We canceled our contract on the lot when we got home. Epic fail but epic fun! Be sure to check out a funny house hunting trip with my daughter in 5 Ways Not to Shop for a Beach House in Florida.
Leave me a comment with something fun you've done with your husband. Trips, I'm talking about trips. lol
Having fun with food fiascoes,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
.JPG "pooch")
We headed to Cape San Blas, Florida to look at buying a lot of land. The trip would be short, down there, spend the night, look at the lot and back home. I usually drive. Today, Steve decides he will drive. Our first destination is Enterprise, AL (30 minutes out of the way) because we have our noble pooch Hermie with us. Hampton Inn Enterprise is the only pet-friendly hotel inconveniently located anywhere on the entire route.Hermie travels better than most adults. He rode to Florida and back without barking one time. Most people can't even go to the mailbox and back without at least passing loud gas, right?Amazing Canine!
Want to see what Hermie is so intrigued about in this pic? I typically pack a bit of snacks when we travel. Snacks avoids stopping to eat excessively and keeps me awake. I love Golden Flake Thin & Crispy potato chips which I packed for me. I brought along some gluten free pretzels for Steve.
I was the first to enjoy some of my potato chips from a brand new bag. Sometime later Steve reaches for some pretzels. He (still driving) is feeling around behind his seat and mine looking for the pretzels. I said "Let me find them for you." He said "No, I got them!" Pulling a bag from behind his seat, the next thing I saw was a cascade of potato chips as my entire bag of precious Golden Flake Thin & Crispy Chips were underneath Steve's feet! He picked up the open bag upside down.
Steve apologized profusely and then said "I guess you won't be eating your favorite midnight snack tonight" while Hermie nobly sought to lick up the mess. No, we didn't let him. Dogs shouldn't eat chips. I emptied the chips onto the grass of the hotel the next morning feeling a couple of ounces lighter.
We were settled for the night and it's finally time to eat some drive thru dinner. We had pulled through Arby's and I was surprised when Steve agreed to three Roast Beef Jr. sandwiches. I was the first to complain because my Ham-n-Cheese Jr. that I requested swiss cheese on instead of cheddar looked like this...
I couldn't stop laughing when he accidentally spit out a chunk of roast beef while talking, grabbed it up from the hotel table and ate it! This was so unlike my husband. He said "I can't afford to blow out a junior chunk and not eat it!"
I fed Hermie from a bowl I brought and used my mom skills to find a water bowl.
Leave me a comment with something fun you've done with your husband. Trips, I'm talking about trips. lol
Having fun with food fiascoes,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
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Thursday, December 12, 2013
Fun with Soap Puns
SOAP IS A LUXURIOUS HOLIDAY GIFT FOR ANYONE!
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| Citrus Collection with Orange, Cherry and Lemon |
If you’re searching for the perfectly ridiculous, soap puns (and I know EVERYBODY is) and jokes to share with your family and friends at the festive table, then check out these ‘crackers’:
1. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
2. The thought of having no alternative to soap never washed with the inventor of shower gel.
3. The soap-eating cult was swallowing lyes in search of the truth.
4. If you want to make really good soap you’ve to to raise the bar.
5. A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
6. It’s true I don’t like soap, but you don’t have to rub it in my face!
7. Getting soap in your eyes is no lathering matter.
8. When purchasing soap if you buy two and get one free that’s a bar-gain.
9. My wife’s dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom. He is my Father in Loo.
10. Officer Jones takes his yearly bath every June. He is a characteristic example of a dirty cop.
11. It’s OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.
12. He was going to manufacture bathtubs until his bank pulled the plug.
All "washed" up,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Friday, December 6, 2013
5 Reasons Why I hate the Elf on a Shelf
Bah! Humbug! I know I'm totally un-American and such but I wish all those elves on shelves would just fall off! I don't want an elf creeping around my house at night doing things I wouldn't dare let my children get away with, do you? That 3-letter acronym that means almost the same thing as "what the crap?" would be appropriate here but my husband forbids me to use it in my writings. Calm down, you're almost as bad as him! It's just a word. You peeps have made it what it is today...infamous!
Anyway, I've seen so many of those boring elf pictures on facebook I'm sick of them already and it's only December 6th. Now, if you have an elf and L.O.V.E. him/her, please take this post in the vain it is written in which is jokingly or humorously for the more intelligent folks. Yay, I'm in one of my moods today. Beware if you dare to read on.
How do I not love thee little elf, let me tell you the whys:
- I want to slap that smirk right off your face. Who says you can look at anyone with that knowing grin like you're always chanting in your pointed little head "I'm the Elf on a Shelf, I can do anything I want and get away with it sucker!" I hate the elf for the smirk on his face.
- His/Her arms and legs are more toned than mine! I hate the elf because he lays around for 11 months of every year and never gains an ounce.
- I hate the elf because he has no feet. I know I'm the "Happy" Handicap. I admit I have feet problems or a lack thereof. My husband always says I make everything about me but seriously why would you make an elf, give him hands and not make him any feet. I almost feel sorry for him on this one but instead of sympathy, I prefer to just hate the footless little guy.
- I hate the elf because his creator went to my alma mater. If the idea was floating around on campus, why didn't it land in my head? Why didn't I get to become popular and make millions? Why isn't a creepy little elf I created sitting on the Kardashians' mantle? Yep, I hate the elf because I didn't think of him first.
- I hate the elf because short elves got no reason to live. They got little hands, little eyes, they sit around telling great big lies. They got tiny little teeth and a pixie haircut that stinks!
I'm all done now,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Review of Pinterest Dawn & Vinegar Shower Cleaner
Have you seen this pinned 1000 times?
you pinned it vowing to make it!
Did you?
I did!
How did I like it? Let me count the ways....
 |
| my ultra clean shower! |
1. Very, very easy to make
2. Any Dawn will work
(not just the blue, I used green with Oil of Olay)
3. Easy to apply
(although my hand did get tired of pumping)
4. Inexpensive to make
(I'm figuring about .25 or less per clean shower job)
5. Superior to my normal cleaner Scrubbing Bubbles
6. Chemicals are not as harsh as Scrubbing Bubbles
7. Stores well
The only adjustment I would suggest
is reducing the amount of Dawn to
1/2 to 2/3 cup per 1 cup vinegar.
The solution was too sudsy and soapy for my liking
especially for my age group lol
How many of you clean the shower
when you take a shower?
I've got my hand raised high in the air
doing the selfie wave!
and, I see you blushing!
I will reduce the amount of Dawn because it was
so SLIPPERY when trying to clean.
I can see the doctors face now
when 50-year-old ladies show
up naked to the ER.
He asked what happened and
the answer is...
"I fell and couldn't get up!"
"I fell and couldn't get up!"
and he's like "Why are you naked and soaking wet?"
.JPG)
My "rain" type shower head made
it difficult to get all the suds and bubbles
out of the shower also.
Next time I'll hook a water hose
to my sink vanity so I
can use a spray nozzle!
Ladies, we've gotta have the right tools!
Overall, I will use Dawn & Vinegar Shower Cleaner, slightly modified.
I definitely RECOMMEND this recipe.
Have you tried it?
Leave me a comment with your results!
I'd love to hear your review of Pinterest Dawn & Vinegar Shower Cleaner.
Slipping and Sliding,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Thursday, October 31, 2013
HAPPY HALLOWEEN Everyone!
Here's to a safe, fun and Happy Halloween!
to all and to all a good night
Sweet Dreams & Be Evil!
Muahahahaha,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Last Minute Homemade Halloween Costume Ideas
My favorite homemade Halloween costume ever...
and yes, this is me!
as Genie Simmons
picked up all this stuff at a local charity and made this get-up
My 2nd best favorite
again, made from items picked up from a local charity
When I arrived at our yearly family Halloween party
my nephew was surprisingly dressed as
Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph!
One year I was Bo-Peep
my Mom made the outfit with fabric from Walmart
My son-in-law and my daughter were
Beetlejuice and his wife
His outfit is bought but her dress is from a local charity
She made her bangs from the ends of her long hair
by sweeping it over her head (genius)
The next year I was Bo-Peep's sheep! lol
my husband was a farmer...
the couple again
as a sexy devil and the
Phantom of the Opera
My younger daughter as a cop
I made both of these outfits by
simply sewing together 1 yard of
knit material and
cinching the bust
Can you tell we really get into Halloween?
The time of year where we can really be ourselves! lol
I made this Puss-in-Boots from a piece of printed fabric
that I made minimal seams in and
added a cat pouch or belly in the front!
as a playboy bunny
again homemade
Do you recognize the other character?
A few from this year 2013
not homemade!
Ever seen a pregnant fairy?
Now you have!!!
You've also found Waldo!
Just a little fun for Halloween
Hope these pics gave you some ideas
for a few costumes that can be
made last minute
with a few charity items
and some ingenuity!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Leave me a comment and tell me what your favorite costume ever is, homemade or bought?
Monday, October 21, 2013
5 Travel Games for Seniors
Last weekend, on a quick trip to Cape San Blas Florida
I suddenly realized my husband and I are getting old
This stark realization happened while riding around the state
I turned to Steve and said,
"We're riding around like OLD people!"
Later that evening this post came to me
somewhat witty, somewhat humurous
kinda scary but absolutely true!
When physical activity gets limited by
sheer "I've-earned-this-tude" and/or achy bones,
you gotta try
5 Travel Games for Seniors
Bird Spotting
Bird spotting as opposed to bird watching
We saw this awesome group of rare white pelicans
too far off the road for my iphone camera
but interesting to see none-the-less
we also spotted a bald eagle
Name your Distance
Akin to "Name that Tune" but different
Not sure if bladders shrink and colons expand
when getting older but I do know
these sign become very important
There is a definite sport in naming whether you
can make it to the next one or
"We need to STOP NOW!"
Unexpected Photo Bombing
You can see some interesting things on a state highway
things you need a picture for, like, say....a blog.
We actually stopped for these and just
look how they turned out.
We couldn't manage this again if we tried
I also challenge you to make the passenger
mirror on your car look like mine!
Me and garage doors play games sometimes
and they always win...
What's your pressure?
NOT EVEN KIDDING...
We stayed with my in-laws and
noticing a blood pressure monitor on the table
I challenged them to a "What's your pressure?" game
Seniors are touchy about their pressures
The rules: Take BP no more than two times
Choose the lower of the two for your number
Take BP pills, add 10 points to your top number
Don't take BP pills, subtract 10 points
No, don't really add or subtract
but this could be a really interesting game
Vary it with your temperature, your blood sugar, reading an eye chart
you get the picture...
Are you Braver than a 5th Grader?
Every time I pulled into a property
(we were looking at lots for sale)
that had a "No Trespassing" sign on it
I thought Steve would have a heart attack
and...it's possible!
I kept saying "I'm not trespassing, I'm looking!"
There is a difference.
We had a great short trip to the Cape
Try 5 Travel Games for Seniors
on your next outing and let me know the results!
Hope your trips are as adventurous
and fun as ours always are.
Lovin' these games,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Do you have any fun games to add to this list? Leave them in the comments!
Friday, October 11, 2013
My Random Thoughts on Happiness
Happiness is....
Listening to classical music
...especially when my daughter plays
My Dad sitting high and comfy on a tractor like
Oliver Wendell Douglas...
The beautiful view from my front porch...
Hermie, my long-haired Dachshund with a buzz cut...
anticipating my first grandchild in november 2013...
lots and lots of things make me happy
for a sadly, incomplete list
of my random thoughts on happiness...
check out my "happiness is" page!
Happily,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
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