Bah! Humbug! I know I'm totally un-American and such but I wish all those elves on shelves would just fall off! I don't want an elf creeping around my house at night doing things I wouldn't dare let my children get away with, do you? That 3-letter acronym that means almost the same thing as "what the crap?" would be appropriate here but my husband forbids me to use it in my writings. Calm down, you're almost as bad as him! It's just a word. You peeps have made it what it is today...infamous!
Anyway, I've seen so many of those boring elf pictures on facebook I'm sick of them already and it's only December 6th. Now, if you have an elf and L.O.V.E. him/her, please take this post in the vain it is written in which is jokingly or humorously for the more intelligent folks. Yay, I'm in one of my moods today. Beware if you dare to read on.
How do I not love thee little elf, let me tell you the whys:
- I want to slap that smirk right off your face. Who says you can look at anyone with that knowing grin like you're always chanting in your pointed little head "I'm the Elf on a Shelf, I can do anything I want and get away with it sucker!" I hate the elf for the smirk on his face.
- His/Her arms and legs are more toned than mine! I hate the elf because he lays around for 11 months of every year and never gains an ounce.
- I hate the elf because he has no feet. I know I'm the "Happy" Handicap. I admit I have feet problems or a lack thereof. My husband always says I make everything about me but seriously why would you make an elf, give him hands and not make him any feet. I almost feel sorry for him on this one but instead of sympathy, I prefer to just hate the footless little guy.
- I hate the elf because his creator went to my alma mater. If the idea was floating around on campus, why didn't it land in my head? Why didn't I get to become popular and make millions? Why isn't a creepy little elf I created sitting on the Kardashians' mantle? Yep, I hate the elf because I didn't think of him first.
- I hate the elf because short elves got no reason to live. They got little hands, little eyes, they sit around telling great big lies. They got tiny little teeth and a pixie haircut that stinks!
I'm all done now,
The Happy Handicap