Posts with the label humor
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, March 20, 2015
We Had Our Own Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
We anxiously expected a normal Monday. The rota virus ravaged our family last week. Please, Lord, we want a normal Monday! We had our own terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! My beautiful daughter Sloane left for work around 8 am. When I say beautiful, I don't mean to brag..well maybe just a bit but I'll let you decide for yourself. This is a picture of her just two days before our very bad day.
Ignoring her mother's very sound advice before I reached her, she started toward me. Did.not.make.it! She stopped on the side of the road to hurl due to the pain about 10 minutes from home. A nice man, I wished I'd gotten his name, stopped to stay with her until I got there offering to take her to the hospital. No, no, no. Stay where you are. Kidney stones are painful but not deadly. I picked her up and the guy told me that he had a kidney stone once and he went over to MedNow and they gave him a shot and he ain't had one since and it's been years ago. Well, nice angel man, I only wish it were that simple. And by the way, Thanks! if we didn't say it in the midst of our terrible, horrible, no good, very day.
Almost in dreamland with her eyes closed, small grin and pulling on her ear, she said "My ears tell me everything I need to know." I wish she was as confident and carefree every day as she was after those sweet meds.
p.s. Please leave me a comment about a bad day you've had!
I started my Monday with a much needed chiropractor appointment. I drop my granddaughter by my mom's house and head to the chiropractor about 30 minutes away. I've got my cell phone in AT&T drive mode. Please don't text and drive! I'm feeling good all over about finally getting an adjustment I'd missed for the last three weeks. I put my car in park, open the door to step out and my phone rings. Sloane with a panic in her voice I recognized "I'M IN PAIN!". What? I screeched. (My family says that's my normal response to everything.) "I've got to go to the hospital!" My motherly instinct and experience knew the source of her agony, renal calculi. KIDNEY STONE!. I ran into the chiropractic office, dismissed myself and drove to pick her up to take her to the hospital.
Ignoring her mother's very sound advice before I reached her, she started toward me. Did.not.make.it! She stopped on the side of the road to hurl due to the pain about 10 minutes from home. A nice man, I wished I'd gotten his name, stopped to stay with her until I got there offering to take her to the hospital. No, no, no. Stay where you are. Kidney stones are painful but not deadly. I picked her up and the guy told me that he had a kidney stone once and he went over to MedNow and they gave him a shot and he ain't had one since and it's been years ago. Well, nice angel man, I only wish it were that simple. And by the way, Thanks! if we didn't say it in the midst of our terrible, horrible, no good, very day.
I sped Sloane to our family doctor whom I had called to make sure had narcotic shots in his office before we stopped there. If you've ever had a kidney stone you know half-seconds seem like half-years! The nice staff took her back immediately. The doctor came in to check her within 10 minutes while Sloane rocked back and forth on her feet bent over the exam table saying "Why can't they hurry?" Hands down, it was the fastest doctor visit I've ever experienced in 51 years! Ten minutes gave her time to fill their trashcan with half-digested orange Cheetos juice from an unhealthy breakfast earlier in the day.They gave her 3 shots, two for pain and one for nausea. I couldn't help but document this experience. This is Sloane after her meds kicked in!
I don't know why her eyes get buggy when she's takes pain meds but just look at them. I finally got her to sit down before she feel and broke a bone. She said "If I do break something I won't feel it!" Everything that came out of her mouth was hilarious. Sloane is a very reserved, non-comical individual which made her comments even funnier.
She was feeling "right" starting to recall how her painful episode started. She kept saying "You just never know. You just NEVER know!" She asked me "Have your ears ever gotten so hot they were cold?" I said "No, I've never had that happen." She went on with slurred speech "Mine did! My ears got so hot when that terrible pain started that they got cold. Then...I started sweatin'. I knew it wuttin' good! My ears gettin' hot and then cold." The next line out of her mouth had me telling the nurse and the office staff what she said.
Almost in dreamland with her eyes closed, small grin and pulling on her ear, she said "My ears tell me everything I need to know." I wish she was as confident and carefree every day as she was after those sweet meds.
The doctor got an emergency CT scan approved. I guided her to the car, put her feet in and headed toward the hospital x-ray facility. She praised God for creating medicine and helpful doctors all the way there! The picture on the left is how she waited on the x-ray technician. Sloane would never ever lie down on a couch in a waiting room! 3mm distal kidney stone meaning it's small and low. She should pass it soon. As a mom, I'm so thankful for a doctor that will work you in as an emergency and help your child immediately! She rested comfortably tucked in at home for the next several hours. Oddly, my last kidney stone was on a Monday. Read my hilarious experience I titled Pande-"Monday"-ium of. Laughter here.
Sloane and I are Pampered Chef consultants. I knew Sloane had a show later on this day. Of course, I pitched in to help except I haven't mentioned that I lost my voice during Sloane's pain episode. I cannot handle stress of any kind. I started the day with my normal voice and ended the day unable to speak above a whisper! What else can happen on our terrible, horrible no good, very bad day? I selected our tools for the show, packed them and went to freshen up a bit. Sloane and I heard a loud crashing noise. "What was that?" she said. I walked back into the kitchen to find my beautiful new cranberry shallow baker I won by reaching a sales goal laying in the floor with a big chunk knocked out of it. Check out the pic! :( A shallow baker can be replaced. No harm, no foul except I cut my finger cleaning up the pieces. The show went well!
Recovering,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
p.s. Please leave me a comment about a bad day you've had!
Friday, November 28, 2014
10 Ways You Can tell You Are A Senior Citizen
1. The neighbors can hear what TV show you're watching three houses down. If your volume is 40+, it may be time to look into a hearing aid.
2. You start your automatic coffee maker to come on 10 minutes AFTER you plan to get up because it will take you at least 10 minutes to get out of bed and find your way to the kitchen.
3. You have a pair of magnifying glasses in every room of the house and one pair on your person and you still can't find your glasses.
4. You need to do laundry more often due to annoying sneeze peeing and the fact you can't seem to eat anything without spilling it down the front of your shirt.
5. You stop to look at that odd person you saw in the mirror and for the first minute or so you don't recognize yourself.
6. Your clothes begin to resemble your parents. If you're a girl, you need sunglasses to keep from squinting choosing an outfit from your closet. You know how mom loves the shiny stuff. If you're a guy, you need a belt to hold up the jeans your booty used to support and an extra long shirt to hide your belly.
7. You begin to floss more because now you realize these teeth need to last you a lifetime.
8. You finally don't need to shave your legs every day. YES! My mom always told me leg hair would stop growing when I got old. She was right!
9. There's a down side to less leg hair....more facial hair. This wouldn't be a problem if I were a dude. I now hear my children say to me what I used to say to my mom "MOM, I've got to pluck those black hair out of your chin!"
10. You have to re-read numbers 1 - 9 because you really didn't understand them the first time you read it. The old gray mare and stallion just ain't what they used to be.
Here's a bonus one:
11. Black Friday makes you think of Jesus instead of shopping because you're closer to meeting him.
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
p.s. I hope no senior citizens are offended reading this blog. I feel your joint pain, go to rooms in my house then wonder why I'm there and genuinely cherish folks who are wiser than me!
Friday, September 26, 2014
The Frantic Chef
Exciting news! I started a business last month. I agreed to sell products, do cooking shows and represent for The Pampered Chef.
Like all excited consultants, I was ecstatic when a cousin of mine contacted me to have a show...unsolicited! Her real estate office is 40 miles from my house but, what the hay, I'm in business to sell and I'm there! My Mom went with me to help and take care of my 10 month old granddaughter. Due to the commute time, I had to leave before her mom picked her up. All is well.
12 guests rsvp'd. I'm a bit nervous but I've got this. When we arrived, only 3 guests were there (because they worked in the real estate office). They listened to my presentation from their office chairs, sometimes listening, sometimes working at their computers. I couldn't figure out whether to cook or not because two ladies said they weren't staying to eat. I had one lady though, intent on everything that I was doing so I decided to cook Pesto Vegetable Medley just for her. I'm showing off our spiral and slice which makes beautiful spiraled veggies. See..
This one lady was so interested in what I'm doing and I'm trying to answer her questions while I'm spiraling. I'm not sure why I laid my spiral and slice down but I picked up one of our forged cutlery knives to cut red pepper. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea!
The next thing I know I'm bleeding from chopping a sliver of my finger and fingernail off! It bleed and bleed and bleed. My host, Jenny took me around the corner to an internal doctor to see if they could stop the bleeding. I was so thankful and still amazed that Dr. Kim put hydro chloride on my finger to stop the bleeding, cleaned the wound, put a band-aid on it and didn't charge me a penny! He also gave me some great advice. He said "Now, when you get home don't put no natural remedy like cow dung on that cut." I said "Well, if I see my dad anytime soon, he'll want me to douse it in diesel fuel." My dad swears by diesel fuel to heal any cut! We left the doctor's office and went back to cooking!
Turns out my accident wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was or as it hurt. Here's a pic of my finger one week later. You really can't even tell its cut. I think everything will grow back just like it was. My director, Melodie told me to be sure to keep my fingers tucked.....after the fact! I said I wasn't using the knife again unless I get invited to a luau and need to gut a pig! I didn't use any cow dung or diesel fuel. I did use a natural honey product on it though.
.JPG "cut finger")
I was supposed to be pampering Jenny but she actually pampered me! I was just a bit frantic for my first show. Good news! I had another show 3 days later with about 15 guests in attendance and it went beautifully! Wish me future success and if you need any cooking equipment, I can hook you up!
Be pampered,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap/Frantic Chef
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/tammystafford
12 guests rsvp'd. I'm a bit nervous but I've got this. When we arrived, only 3 guests were there (because they worked in the real estate office). They listened to my presentation from their office chairs, sometimes listening, sometimes working at their computers. I couldn't figure out whether to cook or not because two ladies said they weren't staying to eat. I had one lady though, intent on everything that I was doing so I decided to cook Pesto Vegetable Medley just for her. I'm showing off our spiral and slice which makes beautiful spiraled veggies. See..
This one lady was so interested in what I'm doing and I'm trying to answer her questions while I'm spiraling. I'm not sure why I laid my spiral and slice down but I picked up one of our forged cutlery knives to cut red pepper. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea!
The next thing I know I'm bleeding from chopping a sliver of my finger and fingernail off! It bleed and bleed and bleed. My host, Jenny took me around the corner to an internal doctor to see if they could stop the bleeding. I was so thankful and still amazed that Dr. Kim put hydro chloride on my finger to stop the bleeding, cleaned the wound, put a band-aid on it and didn't charge me a penny! He also gave me some great advice. He said "Now, when you get home don't put no natural remedy like cow dung on that cut." I said "Well, if I see my dad anytime soon, he'll want me to douse it in diesel fuel." My dad swears by diesel fuel to heal any cut! We left the doctor's office and went back to cooking!
Turns out my accident wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was or as it hurt. Here's a pic of my finger one week later. You really can't even tell its cut. I think everything will grow back just like it was. My director, Melodie told me to be sure to keep my fingers tucked.....after the fact! I said I wasn't using the knife again unless I get invited to a luau and need to gut a pig! I didn't use any cow dung or diesel fuel. I did use a natural honey product on it though.
I was supposed to be pampering Jenny but she actually pampered me! I was just a bit frantic for my first show. Good news! I had another show 3 days later with about 15 guests in attendance and it went beautifully! Wish me future success and if you need any cooking equipment, I can hook you up!
Be pampered,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap/Frantic Chef
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/tammystafford
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Tickle Me Tuesday
I love a good laugh! I love it even more when my youngest daughter Sloane (age 22) does something that proves a point to herself without me even saying a word!
Everyone tells Sloane that her and her Mom (that's me) look alike. Every time we're together and someone says it, she's very polite, smiles and says...
"Thank you. If I look like her when I'm 50, I'll take it!"
As soon as the person is out of hearing distance, she turns to me and says
"I just don't see it. I just don't think we look THAT much alike."
I always smile outwardly and inwardly know my mirror nor my eyes can be THAT wrong. Can they?
Sloane attended new employee orientation a couple of weeks ago. Like most 22-year-olds she waited until she was walking out the door to get her passport. Luckily, her mom knew where it was. She was rushing me through the fireproof safe as I was saying "If it was that important why didn't you do this last night?" She grabbed her passport and flew out the door.
I was anxiously waiting when I heard my phone buzz with a text message. I expected to read something about her new job. Instead I saw...
"You are not going to believe what I did. I grabbed your passport instead of mine. I just looked at the picture and thought it was me!"
When I caught my breath from laughter, I replied...
"Do you still think we don't look THAT much alike?"
Sloane said she's never going to say we don't look alike again if SHE can mistake our pictures. But of course, she WAS in a hurry! blah hahaha
You be the judge. Do you think we look that much alike? Cast your vote with a comment!
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| Me and my lovely daughters! |
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Monday, June 16, 2014
Mom-ism Monday #7
HAPPY MOMISM MONDAY!
Today is Mother-in-law Momism Monday. My MIL Elizabeth or Lizzie was a character. She passed 17 years ago but I can still hear her saying some of the funniest and sometimes PG13 rated momisms. Her sense of humor was blunt yet contagious. You couldn't help but laugh with her. Her laugh started with a yodel and ended with a sigh. This post is in honor of what would have been her 91st birthday.
We placed this picture in memory of my in-laws at my daughters wedding:
Do you get hungry? Lizzie did! She had a ferocious appetite. When she got hungry, she would say...
I'm SO Hungry...
I'm so hungry I could eat the north end of a southbound mule!
That is hilariously hungry! Have you ever been THAT hungry? Leave me a comment and let me know. Have you ever heard this momism?
Feeling full (not hungry at all),
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Feeling full (not hungry at all),
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Friday, May 16, 2014
I'll Always Remember My First
Wow! My last post was "What Happens When Dogs Lust"
and now "I'll Always Remember My First"!
You bet I will always remember my first! I'd always wanted to do it. I wondered if my Mom had ever done it. I figured she probably had. I talked to my friends to see if they had ever done it. Some surely had! Some hadn't. The ones that had described their experiences to me. Some had fun. Some were scared to death. I didn't really know how I would feel, it being my first time and all. I was pretty excited with a bit of apprehension mixed in. I wondered what people would think about me but I really didn't care. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! Right?
A friend asked me to do it. I agreed even though my first time was with not one but two women.
I bet you wouldn't guess in a million years what I did....
nope, that's not it!
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and now "I'll Always Remember My First"!
You bet I will always remember my first! I'd always wanted to do it. I wondered if my Mom had ever done it. I figured she probably had. I talked to my friends to see if they had ever done it. Some surely had! Some hadn't. The ones that had described their experiences to me. Some had fun. Some were scared to death. I didn't really know how I would feel, it being my first time and all. I was pretty excited with a bit of apprehension mixed in. I wondered what people would think about me but I really didn't care. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! Right?
A friend asked me to do it. I agreed even though my first time was with not one but two women.
I bet you wouldn't guess in a million years what I did....
nope, that's not it!
Nawh, not that either...
Give up?
Aerica (that's America without the "m"), Cassie and I took an ambulance ride! It wasn't as exciting as I imagined my first time. No flashing lights, no sirens but Cassie did test blow the horn one time (just for me)! We took my friend Nina to Memorial Hospital for a doctor visit. This is our best shot at a selfie or maybe it's a threeie!
We had a fun time. See the smiles. Of course, this was after we were safely back at home with Nina. They both did such a wonderful job of safely transporting us. I have to admit it felt a little like a trip with my Dad driving. The ambulance was a klunker and would barely pick up any speed. I'm sure if we had an emergency their company had one that would go faster, faster. I learned something. I can honestly say I've never seen the name Erica spelled Aerica. I also learned the meaning of the acronym BLS or Basic Life Support! You just never know what kind of knowledge awaits you in a ambulance.
I hope your back feels better soon Cassie (left) and I hope to get invited to your ladies group meeting at your church Aerica (right). Thanks ladies! I'll always remember my first.
Blessed with new friends,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Fun and Unusual Facts about Me
Welcome to my world! Won't you come on in? I'm so excited you decided to visit.
Here's a bit about me so you can get to know me better. Please don't leave without sharing something about yourself with a comment. So nice to make new friends.
FUN FACT #1
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| My dream job |
FUN FACT #2
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| I couldn't resist taking a pic with this cool guy. |
FUN FACT #3
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| This is a standing joke at our house. I usually deny the existence of dinosaurs! |
FUN FACT #4
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| I am a grandmom! |
FUN FACT #5
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| I wrote a book that's available at Amazon! |
Unusual Fact #1: I only have 4 toes
Unusual Fact #2: I make my own prosthetics
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| These are a life-saver for me |
Unusual Fact #3: Needles make me happy (I love acupuncture)
Unusual Fact #4: I'm southern and don't like steak
Unusual Fact #5: My Mom is almost a foot taller than me
Let's get acquainted,
Tammy
Leave me a comment with a fun or unusual fact about you!
Friday, March 14, 2014
25 Fun Ways to Celebrate Pi Day
- Host a Pi math-themed party
- Host a PI(e) swap
- Catch up with friends you haven't talked to in 314 days or 3.14 days
- Eat 3.14 pieces of pie
- Watch the movie "Life of Pi"
- Practice PI-romania by building a fire
- Create an obstacle course using PI-lons
- Talk like a PI-rate. Arrrgh maties
- Challenge your kids with some long division without calculators
- Take a trip down the PI-ke
- Jump in a PI-le of something
- Walk through a PI-ne tree forest
- Burn a PI-ne scented candle
- Send 3.14 emails (leave one as a draft to get the .14)
- Text "Happy Pi Day" to 314 people
- Tweet about Pi Day to 314 people
- Memorize this phrase and you'll memorize the value of Pi by counting each word's letter in "May I have a large container of coffee?" or 3.1415926
- Calculate your birthday in Pi here
- Create an Albert Einstein inspired hairdo (3/14 is his birthday)
- Wear a toga in honor of the Greek letter
- Thank your Congressman for making 3/14 an official day to celebrate
- Smoke an imaginary Peace PI-pe
- Repeat number 9 using multiplication instead of division
- Bake a PI(e)
And my personal favorite....
25. BE IRRATIONAL!
Happy Pi Day,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Do I mind being called handicapped?
Do I mind being called handicapped? Do you mind being called ugly? Actually, I prefer my given name of Tammy. See how pretty it is...
Handicapped just sounds awful, doesn't it? Not really. I don't mind it. That's why I call myself "The Happy Handicap". I beat you to the punch! Wanna know what word I really hate? CRIPPLED! I would rather be called a witch with a b over crippled. The fact is yes, I am handicapped and may even be the epitome of the word crippled but please don't remind me, OK?
Of course...I can remind myself...because I live with the fact and these feet! My impairment may never be forgotten now, silly me wrote a book about it. My story is a fun tale, not at first but it gets better near the middle and very exciting at the end. Isn't that the way every good book reads? My complete story hasn't been written I'm still typing it as you are reading but I've got my first 44 years in print. Don't worry the book is not that long! It's an easy read with a gripping story or at least that's what I've been told.
For the New Year, it's available here for just $3.14 Kindle version and $9.14 paperback including shipping! There are some fabulous reviews on my "Shop" page and Amazon! You can watch a pretty sweet video about the book here. Help me out and buy yourself a copy and please don't share it with your friends! Well share the fact they should buy the book and read it but don't share your copy of the book with them. They'll be happier with their own copy!
And, if you find me interesting after you read my story, I do speaking engagements for basically whoever will listen! My contact info is here.
Waiting to hear from you,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Of course...I can remind myself...because I live with the fact and these feet! My impairment may never be forgotten now, silly me wrote a book about it. My story is a fun tale, not at first but it gets better near the middle and very exciting at the end. Isn't that the way every good book reads? My complete story hasn't been written I'm still typing it as you are reading but I've got my first 44 years in print. Don't worry the book is not that long! It's an easy read with a gripping story or at least that's what I've been told.
For the New Year, it's available here for just $3.14 Kindle version and $9.14 paperback including shipping! There are some fabulous reviews on my "Shop" page and Amazon! You can watch a pretty sweet video about the book here. Help me out and buy yourself a copy and please don't share it with your friends! Well share the fact they should buy the book and read it but don't share your copy of the book with them. They'll be happier with their own copy!
And, if you find me interesting after you read my story, I do speaking engagements for basically whoever will listen! My contact info is here.
Waiting to hear from you,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Saturday, December 28, 2013
10 Tips to a Successful New Year's Eve Purge
Can't wait for the new year? Got your heels dug into the pavement trying to avoid the New Year? I'm in the latter category thinking about all the expectations and potential disappointment that I'll suffer at the hands of my own insufficiency. 2014 I'm trying things a bit differently.
I had the idea of a New Year's Eve Purge in the think tank (my shower) the other morning. I've gotten so excited about it I had to share it. A New Year's Eve Purge is the next best thing to sprinkling a supplement on your food to lose weight. The Purge is designed to reduce the stress you're building up trying to resolve to reduce your stress for the new year (say that 3 times fast)! I think it will work. So, please, give 10 Tips to a Successful New Year's Eve Purge a try!
1. Purge resolutions. Don't even think about a resolution! A resolution, broken down, is a "re"-solution meaning...you guessed it, you never get it resolved! Purge all your resolution thoughts before you have them and opt instead to set goals. Goals are measurable and attainable. You can meet 50% of a goal but you can't half-resolve anything. Things are either resolved or they're not!
2. Purge BILLS! Need I say more? Purge or pay as many as you can before the end of the year especially if they are health care charges, property taxes or anything that is a 2013 tax deduction. A couple of options to purge bills might be burning your mailbox, training your dog to keep the mailman away from your mailbox or the Joel Osteen method.
3. Purge a Dream. Book your dream trip now before the end of 2013. I know this works because I did it in 2011. Crazy yet effective. I booked a dream trip to London & Paris with a minimum deposit of $300, saved money for the next 18 months and took my dream trip in July 2013 debt-free and with spending cash! Go Ahead Tours offers perks for group coordinators. Become a group coordinator and travel free. Be sure to tell them Tammy Stafford sent ya!
4. Purge your mouth. Say mean things! RIGHT NOW! Your niceness is exhausted from all the family holiday dinners, your grumpy significant other, the cooking, planning and decorating you've done and you deserve it now more than ever! Tell everyone you see you've got a virus so you can VOMIT, SPEW and SPIT chunks of mean, vile, rude, crude, ugliness everywhere. GET IT ALL OUT! Feel better? Ready to be nice for the new year? I thought so....
5. Purge your DVR. Sit down and watch all those old recordings you've avoided all year. Oh...don't have enough hours in this year to watch all of them? Use the D.E.L.E.T.E. button. Don't laugh, your remote does have one.
6. Purge your closet. It's embarrassing but it MUST be addressed. Forget the "turning your hangers backward" trick. You know what you wear and what you don't. The answer to your question is "NO!" Your question is "I might wear that?" Not gonna happen. Donate it. Just so you know, this is not my closet!
7. Purge your contacts list. We've all got them...people on our contacts list that we have no idea who they are, never heard of them much less contacted them. Don't be afraid to send your unknown contacts to the tomb of no retrieval. If you suddenly remember the contact you deleted is your friend's aunt's boyfriend's cousin who is personal friends with your cardiologist, don't worry 911 is a free call.
8. Purge your pill drawer. Here's to a great attitude and better health in 2014. Trust your body! Throw away those bottles that expired in 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996...you get the picture. I'm not sure of the proper way to dispose of pills. Don't flush them! You never know when all a sewer monster needs is an aspirin.
9. Purge your linen closet. Are your washcloths and towels wholly and I don't mean like Sweet Baby Jesus. We've had some of our linens since we got married in 1985 and they are threadbare and wholly! Some of them look more like bibs than something to wash your ribs!
10. Purge your refrigerator. I've saved the best for last not because we could legit eat everything in the fridge, no! Because it always reminds me of one of the 10 sexiest food scenes in a movie. I can't think of a better way to empty the fridge than by having my "Mickey Rourke" spoon feed me or drizzle me with honey. Can you?
Leave me a comment with your favorite New Year's Eve purge or if you must....your resolution for 2014!
Excited to get started,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
I had the idea of a New Year's Eve Purge in the think tank (my shower) the other morning. I've gotten so excited about it I had to share it. A New Year's Eve Purge is the next best thing to sprinkling a supplement on your food to lose weight. The Purge is designed to reduce the stress you're building up trying to resolve to reduce your stress for the new year (say that 3 times fast)! I think it will work. So, please, give 10 Tips to a Successful New Year's Eve Purge a try!
1. Purge resolutions. Don't even think about a resolution! A resolution, broken down, is a "re"-solution meaning...you guessed it, you never get it resolved! Purge all your resolution thoughts before you have them and opt instead to set goals. Goals are measurable and attainable. You can meet 50% of a goal but you can't half-resolve anything. Things are either resolved or they're not!
2. Purge BILLS! Need I say more? Purge or pay as many as you can before the end of the year especially if they are health care charges, property taxes or anything that is a 2013 tax deduction. A couple of options to purge bills might be burning your mailbox, training your dog to keep the mailman away from your mailbox or the Joel Osteen method.
3. Purge a Dream. Book your dream trip now before the end of 2013. I know this works because I did it in 2011. Crazy yet effective. I booked a dream trip to London & Paris with a minimum deposit of $300, saved money for the next 18 months and took my dream trip in July 2013 debt-free and with spending cash! Go Ahead Tours offers perks for group coordinators. Become a group coordinator and travel free. Be sure to tell them Tammy Stafford sent ya!
5. Purge your DVR. Sit down and watch all those old recordings you've avoided all year. Oh...don't have enough hours in this year to watch all of them? Use the D.E.L.E.T.E. button. Don't laugh, your remote does have one.
6. Purge your closet. It's embarrassing but it MUST be addressed. Forget the "turning your hangers backward" trick. You know what you wear and what you don't. The answer to your question is "NO!" Your question is "I might wear that?" Not gonna happen. Donate it. Just so you know, this is not my closet!
7. Purge your contacts list. We've all got them...people on our contacts list that we have no idea who they are, never heard of them much less contacted them. Don't be afraid to send your unknown contacts to the tomb of no retrieval. If you suddenly remember the contact you deleted is your friend's aunt's boyfriend's cousin who is personal friends with your cardiologist, don't worry 911 is a free call.
8. Purge your pill drawer. Here's to a great attitude and better health in 2014. Trust your body! Throw away those bottles that expired in 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996...you get the picture. I'm not sure of the proper way to dispose of pills. Don't flush them! You never know when all a sewer monster needs is an aspirin.
9. Purge your linen closet. Are your washcloths and towels wholly and I don't mean like Sweet Baby Jesus. We've had some of our linens since we got married in 1985 and they are threadbare and wholly! Some of them look more like bibs than something to wash your ribs!
10. Purge your refrigerator. I've saved the best for last not because we could legit eat everything in the fridge, no! Because it always reminds me of one of the 10 sexiest food scenes in a movie. I can't think of a better way to empty the fridge than by having my "Mickey Rourke" spoon feed me or drizzle me with honey. Can you?
Leave me a comment with your favorite New Year's Eve purge or if you must....your resolution for 2014!
Excited to get started,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Why Roadtrips are Better with your Husband Vol. 2
Earlier this year in April when I blogged Why Roadtrips are Better with your Husband, I had no idea we'd have so much fun in December that I'd have to blog "Why Roadtrips are Better with your Husband Vol. 2!" But here we are and here's why this trip was so funny!
.JPG "pooch")
We headed to Cape San Blas, Florida to look at buying a lot of land. The trip would be short, down there, spend the night, look at the lot and back home. I usually drive. Today, Steve decides he will drive. Our first destination is Enterprise, AL (30 minutes out of the way) because we have our noble pooch Hermie with us. Hampton Inn Enterprise is the only pet-friendly hotel inconveniently located anywhere on the entire route.
Hermie travels better than most adults. He rode to Florida and back without barking one time. Most people can't even go to the mailbox and back without at least passing loud gas, right?Amazing Canine!
Want to see what Hermie is so intrigued about in this pic? I typically pack a bit of snacks when we travel. Snacks avoids stopping to eat excessively and keeps me awake. I love Golden Flake Thin & Crispy potato chips which I packed for me. I brought along some gluten free pretzels for Steve.
I was the first to enjoy some of my potato chips from a brand new bag. Sometime later Steve reaches for some pretzels. He (still driving) is feeling around behind his seat and mine looking for the pretzels. I said "Let me find them for you." He said "No, I got them!" Pulling a bag from behind his seat, the next thing I saw was a cascade of potato chips as my entire bag of precious Golden Flake Thin & Crispy Chips were underneath Steve's feet! He picked up the open bag upside down.
Steve apologized profusely and then said "I guess you won't be eating your favorite midnight snack tonight" while Hermie nobly sought to lick up the mess. No, we didn't let him. Dogs shouldn't eat chips. I emptied the chips onto the grass of the hotel the next morning feeling a couple of ounces lighter.
We were settled for the night and it's finally time to eat some drive thru dinner. We had pulled through Arby's and I was surprised when Steve agreed to three Roast Beef Jr. sandwiches. I was the first to complain because my Ham-n-Cheese Jr. that I requested swiss cheese on instead of cheddar looked like this...
For a woman who don't like cheese, this was disgusting! Steve took his sandwiches out of the bag, unwrapped them looking ticked off and said "What is this?" "3 Roast Beef Jrs." I said. He replied "You know I don't eat junior nothings! I could eat all this gluten and it wouldn't bother me!" No, he really couldn't but I certainly didn't say that. He removed the tiny slabs of roast beef from the buns, sopped up some of my cheese with them and ate while continuously shaking his head in disbelief. "Those large ladies at Arby's are probably still laughing at me saying "Look what's he's eating!".
I couldn't stop laughing when he accidentally spit out a chunk of roast beef while talking, grabbed it up from the hotel table and ate it! This was so unlike my husband. He said "I can't afford to blow out a junior chunk and not eat it!"
I fed Hermie from a bowl I brought and used my mom skills to find a water bowl.
Steve may have been unhappy with my food selections for him but Hermie was my friend.
Uneventful night and next morning, we looked for a Hardee's to get a biscuit. We both ordered sausage of some sort and was cracked up to see this at the front of the building.
A load of hogs! Boy, did that sausage taste fresh! We looked at the lot. I loved it! Steve said it was too low and was afraid of water restrictions. I suppose he was right. After all, it was in a flood zone but it was RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD FROM THE BEACH!!! We canceled our contract on the lot when we got home. Epic fail but epic fun! Be sure to check out a funny house hunting trip with my daughter in 5 Ways Not to Shop for a Beach House in Florida.
Leave me a comment with something fun you've done with your husband. Trips, I'm talking about trips. lol
Having fun with food fiascoes,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
.JPG "pooch")
We headed to Cape San Blas, Florida to look at buying a lot of land. The trip would be short, down there, spend the night, look at the lot and back home. I usually drive. Today, Steve decides he will drive. Our first destination is Enterprise, AL (30 minutes out of the way) because we have our noble pooch Hermie with us. Hampton Inn Enterprise is the only pet-friendly hotel inconveniently located anywhere on the entire route.Hermie travels better than most adults. He rode to Florida and back without barking one time. Most people can't even go to the mailbox and back without at least passing loud gas, right?Amazing Canine!
Want to see what Hermie is so intrigued about in this pic? I typically pack a bit of snacks when we travel. Snacks avoids stopping to eat excessively and keeps me awake. I love Golden Flake Thin & Crispy potato chips which I packed for me. I brought along some gluten free pretzels for Steve.
I was the first to enjoy some of my potato chips from a brand new bag. Sometime later Steve reaches for some pretzels. He (still driving) is feeling around behind his seat and mine looking for the pretzels. I said "Let me find them for you." He said "No, I got them!" Pulling a bag from behind his seat, the next thing I saw was a cascade of potato chips as my entire bag of precious Golden Flake Thin & Crispy Chips were underneath Steve's feet! He picked up the open bag upside down.
Steve apologized profusely and then said "I guess you won't be eating your favorite midnight snack tonight" while Hermie nobly sought to lick up the mess. No, we didn't let him. Dogs shouldn't eat chips. I emptied the chips onto the grass of the hotel the next morning feeling a couple of ounces lighter.
We were settled for the night and it's finally time to eat some drive thru dinner. We had pulled through Arby's and I was surprised when Steve agreed to three Roast Beef Jr. sandwiches. I was the first to complain because my Ham-n-Cheese Jr. that I requested swiss cheese on instead of cheddar looked like this...
I couldn't stop laughing when he accidentally spit out a chunk of roast beef while talking, grabbed it up from the hotel table and ate it! This was so unlike my husband. He said "I can't afford to blow out a junior chunk and not eat it!"
I fed Hermie from a bowl I brought and used my mom skills to find a water bowl.
Leave me a comment with something fun you've done with your husband. Trips, I'm talking about trips. lol
Having fun with food fiascoes,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
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Thursday, December 12, 2013
Fun with Soap Puns
SOAP IS A LUXURIOUS HOLIDAY GIFT FOR ANYONE!
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| Citrus Collection with Orange, Cherry and Lemon |
If you’re searching for the perfectly ridiculous, soap puns (and I know EVERYBODY is) and jokes to share with your family and friends at the festive table, then check out these ‘crackers’:
1. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
2. The thought of having no alternative to soap never washed with the inventor of shower gel.
3. The soap-eating cult was swallowing lyes in search of the truth.
4. If you want to make really good soap you’ve to to raise the bar.
5. A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
6. It’s true I don’t like soap, but you don’t have to rub it in my face!
7. Getting soap in your eyes is no lathering matter.
8. When purchasing soap if you buy two and get one free that’s a bar-gain.
9. My wife’s dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom. He is my Father in Loo.
10. Officer Jones takes his yearly bath every June. He is a characteristic example of a dirty cop.
11. It’s OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.
12. He was going to manufacture bathtubs until his bank pulled the plug.
All "washed" up,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Friday, December 6, 2013
5 Reasons Why I hate the Elf on a Shelf
Bah! Humbug! I know I'm totally un-American and such but I wish all those elves on shelves would just fall off! I don't want an elf creeping around my house at night doing things I wouldn't dare let my children get away with, do you? That 3-letter acronym that means almost the same thing as "what the crap?" would be appropriate here but my husband forbids me to use it in my writings. Calm down, you're almost as bad as him! It's just a word. You peeps have made it what it is today...infamous!
Anyway, I've seen so many of those boring elf pictures on facebook I'm sick of them already and it's only December 6th. Now, if you have an elf and L.O.V.E. him/her, please take this post in the vain it is written in which is jokingly or humorously for the more intelligent folks. Yay, I'm in one of my moods today. Beware if you dare to read on.
How do I not love thee little elf, let me tell you the whys:
- I want to slap that smirk right off your face. Who says you can look at anyone with that knowing grin like you're always chanting in your pointed little head "I'm the Elf on a Shelf, I can do anything I want and get away with it sucker!" I hate the elf for the smirk on his face.
- His/Her arms and legs are more toned than mine! I hate the elf because he lays around for 11 months of every year and never gains an ounce.
- I hate the elf because he has no feet. I know I'm the "Happy" Handicap. I admit I have feet problems or a lack thereof. My husband always says I make everything about me but seriously why would you make an elf, give him hands and not make him any feet. I almost feel sorry for him on this one but instead of sympathy, I prefer to just hate the footless little guy.
- I hate the elf because his creator went to my alma mater. If the idea was floating around on campus, why didn't it land in my head? Why didn't I get to become popular and make millions? Why isn't a creepy little elf I created sitting on the Kardashians' mantle? Yep, I hate the elf because I didn't think of him first.
- I hate the elf because short elves got no reason to live. They got little hands, little eyes, they sit around telling great big lies. They got tiny little teeth and a pixie haircut that stinks!
I'm all done now,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Review of Pinterest Dawn & Vinegar Shower Cleaner
Have you seen this pinned 1000 times?
you pinned it vowing to make it!
Did you?
I did!
How did I like it? Let me count the ways....
 |
| my ultra clean shower! |
1. Very, very easy to make
2. Any Dawn will work
(not just the blue, I used green with Oil of Olay)
3. Easy to apply
(although my hand did get tired of pumping)
4. Inexpensive to make
(I'm figuring about .25 or less per clean shower job)
5. Superior to my normal cleaner Scrubbing Bubbles
6. Chemicals are not as harsh as Scrubbing Bubbles
7. Stores well
The only adjustment I would suggest
is reducing the amount of Dawn to
1/2 to 2/3 cup per 1 cup vinegar.
The solution was too sudsy and soapy for my liking
especially for my age group lol
How many of you clean the shower
when you take a shower?
I've got my hand raised high in the air
doing the selfie wave!
and, I see you blushing!
I will reduce the amount of Dawn because it was
so SLIPPERY when trying to clean.
I can see the doctors face now
when 50-year-old ladies show
up naked to the ER.
He asked what happened and
the answer is...
"I fell and couldn't get up!"
"I fell and couldn't get up!"
and he's like "Why are you naked and soaking wet?"
.JPG)
My "rain" type shower head made
it difficult to get all the suds and bubbles
out of the shower also.
Next time I'll hook a water hose
to my sink vanity so I
can use a spray nozzle!
Ladies, we've gotta have the right tools!
Overall, I will use Dawn & Vinegar Shower Cleaner, slightly modified.
I definitely RECOMMEND this recipe.
Have you tried it?
Leave me a comment with your results!
I'd love to hear your review of Pinterest Dawn & Vinegar Shower Cleaner.
Slipping and Sliding,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Thursday, October 31, 2013
HAPPY HALLOWEEN Everyone!
Here's to a safe, fun and Happy Halloween!
to all and to all a good night
Sweet Dreams & Be Evil!
Muahahahaha,
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Last Minute Homemade Halloween Costume Ideas
My favorite homemade Halloween costume ever...
and yes, this is me!
as Genie Simmons
picked up all this stuff at a local charity and made this get-up
My 2nd best favorite
again, made from items picked up from a local charity
When I arrived at our yearly family Halloween party
my nephew was surprisingly dressed as
Yukon Cornelius from Rudolph!
One year I was Bo-Peep
my Mom made the outfit with fabric from Walmart
My son-in-law and my daughter were
Beetlejuice and his wife
His outfit is bought but her dress is from a local charity
She made her bangs from the ends of her long hair
by sweeping it over her head (genius)
The next year I was Bo-Peep's sheep! lol
my husband was a farmer...
the couple again
as a sexy devil and the
Phantom of the Opera
My younger daughter as a cop
I made both of these outfits by
simply sewing together 1 yard of
knit material and
cinching the bust
Can you tell we really get into Halloween?
The time of year where we can really be ourselves! lol
I made this Puss-in-Boots from a piece of printed fabric
that I made minimal seams in and
added a cat pouch or belly in the front!
as a playboy bunny
again homemade
Do you recognize the other character?
A few from this year 2013
not homemade!
Ever seen a pregnant fairy?
Now you have!!!
You've also found Waldo!
Just a little fun for Halloween
Hope these pics gave you some ideas
for a few costumes that can be
made last minute
with a few charity items
and some ingenuity!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Tammy
The Happy Handicap
Leave me a comment and tell me what your favorite costume ever is, homemade or bought?
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